alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
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Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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