If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Randomize
