it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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