If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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