Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
