I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
