and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
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WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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