I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
