note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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