if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
