I'm jealous of your bromance
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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