I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
