My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
