This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
