I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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