The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
