I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
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I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
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Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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