this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
