my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
