my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Every concussion has its silver lining
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
