i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
