OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just pee around me
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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