I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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