when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
