Your dad touched me again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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