I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
