i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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