I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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