I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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