he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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