First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
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we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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