I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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