Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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