I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
