Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
