Will you blow on my dice?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
