considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
