There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
