Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
