He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
