apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
