There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
