sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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