i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
