I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
