If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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