Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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