I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
