Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
