the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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