She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.