Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you