Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.