She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
