I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
