Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
And he claims I gave him “fuck me†eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
