Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
