It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
